Finally, The First Actually Correct Take on Avengers: Infinity War

Remember that month in 2018 where you couldn’t swing a dead Spider-Man around without hitting at least two hot takes on how some character other than Thanos was the reason half the universe was dead? Well, the heat has died down now and there’s no risk of anyone attempting to argue with me*, so it’s time for my extremely unbiased opinions on whose fault it is that I have to sit through two movies of this bullshit.

So let’s go through the options. Some of them. There are far too many characters in this universe to list every potential culprit.**

Pictured: Thanos looking at his gauntlet as if not entirely sure whether it was a good purchase decision.

1. Thanos

Sometimes the most obvious answer is the right one. But it’s also a boring one, so we’re not going with that. Next!

Not Pictured: Peter Quill, because finding and using an image of him would require me to look at him, and I’d rather not.

2. Star-Lord

Let’s get this one out of the way fast. Listen. Listen. I hate this guy. I really do. I hate his smug bastard face. I hate that his last name makes him sound like a little hedgehog man in a kids’ cartoon and thus a lot cooler than he actually is. But c’mon, I can’t blame him for this.

Yeah, yeah, if he hadn’t punched Thanos maybe Mantis wouldn’t have lost her grip and maybe they could’ve got the glove off but… that’s a lot of maybes. And look at Thanos! It’s difficult not to punch that on a good day, let alone when you’ve just found out he murdered Gamora for a cool rock and had the gall to throw himself a pity party about it.

So I’m not going with Quill. Plus, everyone else has already written their think piece on why it’s his fault, and this is my special take.

Pictured: Thor, bewildered and afraid (but trying not to show it) upon meeting Star-Lord for the first time.

3. Thor

He should’ve gone for the head. Dumbass move from the God of Thunder. Apparently, Joe Russo himself said in response to people having a go at Quill: “the fanbase could be equally upset with Thor, who chose to throw that axe into Thanos’s chest and not his head” (I found this quote in a bleedingcool article with no referencing. Score!).

Something about the big guy didn’t want Thanos to die immediately something gloating something something. Thor, buddy, you cocked up. If you’re going to spout revenge lines at someone, you need to make sure they actually die. Say your hard-worked-on speech at a corpse if you have to. Just make sure you’re actually getting the job done, otherwise you’re going to look like a right pillock.

But still, that doesn’t really make 50% of all living creatures ceasing to exist Thor’s fault. If Thanos saw Thor actually go for the head he’d probably just pull some infinity bullshit to make sure it didn’t happen.

Hey, maybe that did happen and we just didn’t see it.

Let’s move on.

Pictured: the first example I could find of Captain America and Scarlet Witch actually in the same frame in Infinity War. I know it’s terrible but it’s what I could find. There’s an old guy there too, not sure who he is, but no one seems to like him so it’s probably General Ross.

4. Captain America and Scarlet Witch

Pop culture website cinemablend.com, in the only article of theirs I’ve ever read, lists Captain America as number four on their countdown of who’s the biggest numpty in Infinity War. Their reasoning is that he refuses to destroy the mind stone while it’s still attached to Vision’s head.

Admittedly that is a strange decision to me as I would happily unplug that computer even before considering the fate of universe. But I’m fairly certain this wasn’t just Cap’s decision; there was also Scarlet Witch, aka Wendy, not to mention a whole club of people in Wakanda who didn’t feel great about killing Vision for some reason.

I did only watch this film once when it came out and wasn’t paying much attention to this particular plotline, so maybe Cap really was the one weak bitch in the group who wasn’t down with murder, but I think this was a group failure.

Either way, Wendy did kill Vision in the end and Thanos just rewound time. Once a murderous purple chin gets his hands on a mini time machine there’s just not much you can do. Which brings us to…

Pictured: Doctor Strange is an excellent multi-tasker, able to both fight Thanos and play ‘Mystical East’ orientalism completely straight. Shame, we were doing so well with not doing that kind of thing in Iron Man 3.

5. Doctor Strange

Doctor Strange handed Thanos the time stone, which pretty much ensures a Thanos victory from that point on. This is because he made his head go a bit fast and concluded there was only one way to victory, and it involved giving Thanos the stone so our heroes could do something in the sequel, which stinks to me, but I guess it means that things will work out and Strange will be right.

The actual reason I don’t blame Strange is because he traded the time stone for Tony Stark’s life and hey, who wouldn’t. Although if Tony had died Strange could have just reversed time and brought him back if he wasn’t such a wuss about using the stone himself.

Point is, if you’re going to find someone to blame, it has to have been because of something they did before this turning point.

Or just blame Strange, which I won’t, because everyone else has already done that.

Pictured: uh-oh.

6. Loki

Funnily enough, the first three articles I clicked on after googling ‘who’s to blame in infinity war’ didn’t mention Loki at all, despite him being the reason the Tesseract didn’t get blown up along with the rest of Asgard (the place, I mean. Not the people).

I mean, we don’t know if the Tesseract would have been destroyed if he’d left it there, but we don’t know that it wouldn’t have been either. Then there was the whole thing with Thanos threatening Thor… for some reason. I mean, Loki has the Tesseract right there and Thanos could take Loki in a fight easy, I don’t see why that was necessary.

Maybe Loki could’ve vanished it into his magic pouch where he kept the casket of ancient winters, and if Thanos killed him while it was in the pouch he could never get it back.  More likely that Thanos just loves drama.

But all this argument is pointless because Loki is my favourite character and if I can find someone else to yell at I will. Onward!

Pictured: another uh-oh in the making.

7. Gamora

This one honestly just feels mean.

Yes, Gamora gives Thanos the location of the soul stone, the only stone he had no idea where to find. She also unintentionally gave him the means of getting it in the most unfortunate way possible. The aforementioned cinemablend article also points out that she bothered to locate the soul stone in the first place and then told Nebula, who Thanos tortures for information.

The sister gossip is understandable, but competently finding the soul stone’s location is just pure foolery. But there’s no way in hell I’m blaming her, because it’s not her fault her dad is a homicidal tosspot who will torture and murder his kids so he can wipe out half the universe.

And speaking of terrible fathers…

Pictured: Odin and Thor in a scene in Thor: The Dark World in which Odin utters the words “you must think I am a piece of bread”. I used this image solely so I could mention the bread quote.

The real answer: Odin

I know what you’re thinking. “Lydia, you can’t blame Odin for everything just because you hate him. He’s not even in this movie.” I can and I will. Hear me out.

We’re never told how old Thanos is in the MCU, but going from the fact that he ‘balanced’ Gamora’s homeworld when she was still a wee scamp and it sure didn’t look like his first time, I think it’s fair to assume he’s got a good few decades under his belt. He’s been in the business of population reduction for a while.

That’s plenty of time for someone powerful enough to do something about him, especially someone who say, rules nine realms with presumably a powerful military force, has a dude on his side who can see pretty much everything, and has a rainbow bridge with a spinny thing on the end capable of ripping planets apart if you leave it on too long. Seriously, he could’ve just bifrosted Thanos long ago.

Odin had all the tools needed to blast Thanos out of existence long before Iron Man kicked off the MCU and what did he do? Nothing. Because he was too busy being space British to care about anything other than lording over the worlds he’d already taken over for himself.

You’d think after Loki attacked earth with an infinity stone he got from Thanos, Odin would maybe pay a little attention to the big purple problem lurking out in the dark but no, sending Thor on punching missions to parts of the nine realms that were ‘in chaos’ (read: not under Asgardian control after the Bifrost was destroyed) was more important to him. That’s royalty for you.

And that’s why everything that happened in Infinity War is Odin’s fault. Checkmate.

*This is obviously a joke. I know full well that Marvel fans are ready and willing to fight anyone anytime about anything Marvel related. I say this as a Marvel fan.

** Seriously. I found people on the internet pointing their fingers at Director Fury, Hawkeye, Ant-Man, even Coulson. Coulson. He’s canonically dead.***

*** “But he’s alive in the Agents of Shield series!” I hate doing this, but Joss Whedon himself said that’s not movie canon, because it would be ridiculous to bring Coulson back in the films when his death was important in The Avengers. Ironic.

Author: Lydia

Lydia is a medium sized biped who considers having a bio on a website a breach of privacy and is currently in the process of suing Worm Press. She enjoys complaining, kvetching, generally expressing irritation, and dirt. When she’s not writhing in the soil, Lydia can frequently be found on Twitter, the number one site for complaining, or playing Overwatch, the number one game for complaining about. You can complain to her @lydia_txt.

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